Curt and Bryan had been friends for many years. Few people knew one another as well as the two of them did. So it was no surprise that when Curt received an abrupt and seemingly senseless phone call one night, after several months of complete silence from Bryan, that the phone call disturbed and upset him.
When someone behaves in an irrational or upsetting way, we always have a choice: either we can react to their irrationality and become engaged in their drama, or we can acknowledge that person's deeper need for forgiveness, understanding and love. When we take the second option, we are empowered to be able to respond to the behaviour by offering the love, the compassion and the forgiveness the other person so desperately needs, without confusing the difference between a person's disturbing behaviour and the person themselves.
At such times, our willingness to forgive that person for having hurt or offended us always eliminates the potential for personal suffering in our own experience, and often short-circuits the suffering the other person might have been experiencing. Suffering is always self-induced.
When we become agitated, hurt or upset, we're caught in the grip of the ego -- that part of us that is attached to old ideas, behaviours, expectations and programming. Of course, learning to let go of those old ideas is a process as well. So it's natural for circumstances to arise, which cause us to have to deal with these emotions, and ultimately recognise the ego-attachment as the cause of our suffering.
In our example above, it was easier for "outsiders" to see that Curt's friend was not always the "best friend" Curt came to rely on him as. In fact, for most of the past year, the only time Bryan was ever really in touch, was when he wanted something from Curt. Now we might be tempted to think that means Bryan was a bad person, but he is not. When we look more deeply, we realise that Bryan was allowing himself to be manipulated and controlled by his own significant other, who felt threatened by anyone Bryan had a relationship with -- especially Curt. As a result, Bryan, who just like Curt, would go to any lengths to avoid confrontation, gave in to his significant other's demands, and isolated himself from everyone that really mattered to him.
Bryan had, from what I observed, a difficult life as a young man, and began to believe that the only way to get his needs met was to use people. We often see this same type of behaviour among those young people who end up caught up in prostitution, hustling, grifting and drug abuse. The manipulative spousal partner Bryan chose underscored and reinforced this delusional belief system he accepted, and so he "trapped" himself in a relationship in which he thought he "needed" to stay with someone who was irrational, because he "needed" the things and security he imagined this person as bringing to his life.
Curt, on the other hand, was a survivor too; but somehow, he intuitively knew that everything he really needed could be found within himself. There were, of course, times when he (like all of us) attempted to find satisfaction, meaning and validation from things, people and external circumstances; however, when those things proved to be disappointing, he never lost his sense of wholeness.
I believe that even the most painful and difficult relationships in our lives offer us opportunities to grow personally and spiritually. Every day we are bombarded by countless opportunities to interact with others. If we allow those interactions to do so, they can become powerful and effective teachers.
When we forgive someone, we are actually doing something for ourselves. Forgiveness means being "in favour of" (for) the process of giving. When we forgive, we allow ourselves to let go of the things and ideas that hold us back from giving unconditional love and compassion -- our natural state of expression. We are healing ourselves.
Like Bryan, the people who have caused us pain will ultimately find their own healing paths, whenever they are ready. We choose not to harbour resentment, because we recognise that anger is as useful as choosing to take poison ourselves, as a means of destroying our enemies. It serves no purpose, other than to raise our awareness of the fact that we are about to experience a "learning opportunity".
Holidays can be times when abrasive and hurtful issues seem to bubble to the surface more readily.
This year, let's choose to recognise these circumstances as opportunities to give the finest gift to ourselves and others that we can. The gift of patience, understanding, forgiveness and compassion. The Christmas myth is a story about Divine Love becoming incarnate... taking on humanity... so that just as the divine became human, humanity could become divine.
Let us choose love.
Namasté!
Internationally respected, life coach and teacher, Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda (Dr. F. Gianmichael Salvato, O.C., M.Sc.) is a Buddhist and Franciscan contemplative, and author of the popular book, "The Dharma of Compassion - One Monk's Reflections on the Teachings of the Enlightened and Anointed Ones". He is best known for his on-going contributions to helping people unlock the power of their own minds -- teaching them how to apply that power to create strong, loving relationships, make more money, and live more meaningful, prosperous, health and satisfying lives.
Copyright ©2008, Dr. F. Gianmichael Salvato, All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced, blogged, quoted or distributed, provided the entire blog, including by-lines, contact information and this copyright remain intact. It may NOT be altered in any way, without express written permission.
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