It's easy, when things aren't going smoothly or according to our plans, to discard or run away from a difficult relationship. In fact, our perception itself is that there is something wrong with the relationship or the other person, rather than carefully looking to see if the problem isn't just one of mutual fear, anger or miscommunication.
I have two friends, who are in a relationship, and who both suffer from the same painful effects of Multiple Sclerosis. The older of the two struggles, in a very real way, with the loss of her manual dexterity and coordination, during times when the spasticity or muscle stiffness interfere with her daily activities. She's an educated, self-sufficient and warm individual, with an amazing heart, but there are times when the pain and frustration get the better of her, and she snaps at those around her. As someone who suffers similar pain, I can only imagine what it's been like for her, close to a decade now.
When her companion tries to help her, she sometimes grows resentful, and eventually lashes out, claiming that he's "taking over her projects" or "treating her like an invalid". In reality, he was just raised in an environment, where you didn't ask if it was OK to help someone having difficulty, you simply jumped in and helped. And if the other person didn't need your help, they would kindly thank you and say it was unnecessary. But in time, he learned that his companion was sensitive about those things, and I think that because he faced some of the same issues with pain and functioning himself, he understood her feelings, and out of respect, resolved to stop interfering with what she was doing...
Except that suddenly, now there were times when she expected him to magically understand that he was supposed to jump in and finish things at times, and at other times not to. This might sound completely irrational to you or to me, but I sense that when you are in the midst of that frustration, it seems very natural.
My friend now feels like he must walk on egg shells. When his companion is in pain, she is permitted to talk about it, but if he does so, he's "being a martyr". I think that she's just so afraid that he is feeling "put out" by helping her, that she is unconsciously sabotaging their relationship, because she imagines such irrational behaviour is easier to deal with than the risk of losing someone she loves. I don't believe he'll ever leave her, because he's pretty clear about the difference between a person's behaviours and the person themselves, having heard me talk "endlessly" about that for the past few years.
He also recognises, as I believe she will too, that running away from or sabotaging a relationship, just because we don't want to invest the effort in working through the rough spots, only means that we will eventually have to work out those same issues with someone else, until we resolve them and learn the lesson that was meant to be learned (inescapable karma). So why not learn the lessons with someone you already trust, and with whom you share a deep and genuine affection?
In my friends' case, the conflict has nothing to do with either of them... they are both warm and loving people. And they are both genuinely concerned about one another's health and pain. The conflict is ego-driven... it's based on the irrational perception of one person's ego that the other person, who casually mentions having pain, or brings up the things he does to help her, is somehow being "a martyr". It's the ego that he has, at not allowing her to express such irrational fears, without responding to them, and then feeling like he isn't permitted to express himself, without fear of reprisal and resentment. They both need to work through those issues. And they will.
Challenges in a relationship are impermanent phenomena. They are like clouds that move through the noon sky. Even the greatest, darkest cloud, which might obscure the sun entirely, will pass. And during the darkest storm, though we cannot see the sun from the clouds, it is still there. And that sun is the Love that unites all beings... especially my friends.
My sincere hope for them is that she doesn't resort to taking the easy way out, and rolls up her sleeves to work on the relationship a bit. Maybe she will notice that she's struggled alone for so long, that without realising it, she can sometimes seem inconsiderate, self-absorbed, and unreasonable. And her companion may realise that he is so afraid of seeing her suffer, that he oversteps his bounds, and is actually interfering. He may realise that expecting others to show the same consideration for us that we show for them is unreasonable, since everyone is always doing the best they can in any given moment... and we ALL fail to show consideration for others from time to time.
I know he has completely shut down this weekend, and hope that he will allow himself to find balance again too.
Any time a relationship is based on love, it's worth working through the challenges... because the challenges are the very "stuff" by which a relationship deepens, matures and grows.
Buddha taught that no matter how hard or long one churns water, they will never produce butter. So too, if we try to pursue healthy relationships, without challenges, we'll never manage to do so. It is the abrasive grain of sand, which gets into the oyster shell, which produces the lustrous pearl.
Namasté!
Gurudas
Founder and Spiritual Advisor of the Spiritus Project, and Director of the Society for Buddhist Contemplatives, Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda has been leading dharma retreats, teaching, and counseling individuals interested in Buddhist contemplative spirituality since 1979. He is an ordained Buddhist monk, a Franciscan contemplative, and former Eastern Catholic priest and bishop. He holds a dual-doctorate in theological anthropology and Buddhist philosophy, a masters in clinical pastoral counseling and lives in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
Copyright ©2008, Gurudas Sunyatananda - Lojong Ashram, All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced, blogged, quoted or distributed, provided the entire blog, including by-lines, contact information and this copyright remain intact. It may NOT be altered in any way, without express written permission.
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