Metta -- Loving Kindness

The Dharma path is a way of life, in which one strives to generate karuna (oceans of compassion) and metta (loving-kindness) for all life.

Although it is motivated by an altruistic desire to end suffering for all sentient beings, and arises as a result of becoming more mindful of our essential interconnectedness with all things, it is also a path that leads us to ultimate happiness ourselves.

There are times when it is certainly not easy to follow this path, particularly in the West. At times, even those we love most dearly will interpret our compassion and loving-kindness as "interfering" or "trying to be their teacher". Other times, we may be accused of "martyrdom", by those who cannot comprehend a level of consideration for others that is truly selfless, and trusts that we, ourselves, will be provided for and protected along the way.

True loving-kindness is effortless. It does not concern itself with wanting to be loved. It does not concern itself with the repercussions of sometimes demonstrating compassion in a way that challenges unhealthy or destructive behaviours or attitudes.

If there is a relationship that honestly matters to you, particularly if that relationship is facing challenges, try setting your needs and desires for fulfillment aside, and simply allow yourself to be love for that other person. Real loving-kindness and compassion want nothing except to be love itself. (Read that again. I did not say "except to be loved;" I said to be love itself).

Going through life desperately wanting love or validation is exhausting and not terribly useful. Your worth cannot ever be measured by opinions -- whether your own or others' -- because opinions change. Sabotaging present relationships, based on past experiences, is unproductive and meritless as well. In fact, expecting to "find love" in a relationship is one of the surest paths to suffering, because no relationship is able to provide you with love -- ever. Love is generated within. It is the expression of your true nature. Seeking it anywhere else will lead you to pain, suffering and disappointment.

From time to time, those we love may misunderstand us. Even more often than that, they will become frustrated with us, or upset. And let's not delude ourselves either... from time to time, we will misunderstand them, become frustrated by their behaviours, and become upset over one thing or another. All of this comes from our forgetting that nothing is ever as we imagine it to be. Our perception is the cause of our disappointments, our frustrations, our anger and our suffering.

Once, someone very close to me lashed out and said, "I don't need a teacher!" Immediately, I understood that this individual was perceiving my concern and my way of thinking and acting as an attempt to inflict my teaching upon them. I am a teacher, and have no desire or inclination to change that. Fundamentally, I believe that the best teachers are perpetual students, and since I am always learning, I naturally (and without thought) attempt to share those things I've learned. For 18 years, while living inside the monastery walls, this was not a problem. But outside the structure and culture of a Buddhist or Franciscan monastery, people are less mindful of the interconnectedness, and grapple all-out with a need to be "individual". So it is likely that my offering what I have learned outside the monastery walls is less useful, and even intrusive.

The point is that true loving-kindness and compassion is dynamic. It never has all the answers. There are no rules. It is fluid, and in the example above, put the feelings and opinions, even the delusion of individuality and "independence" over the desire to free that person from the self-inflicted suffering they might be creating by not letting others in.

Take a look at the relationships that matter in your life today. See if there might not be one or two things you can do, right now, to show greater compassion and loving-kindness for the other person. The impact of such seemingly small acts can be far-reaching, especially when we do them without concern for ourselves.

If you want to truly be happy, forgive yourself and others... be grateful and say thank-you often... and make an effort, particularly at times when you find yourself wanting to "fight back" or "be right", to show loving-kindness, understanding and patience with one another. Compassion, always and without fail, arises and increases in such times.

Namasté!

 

Founder and Spiritual Advisor of the Spiritus Project, and Director of the Society for Buddhist Contemplatives, Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda has been leading dharma retreats, teaching, and counseling individuals interested in Buddhist contemplative spirituality since 1979. He is an ordained Buddhist monk, a Franciscan contemplative, and former Eastern Catholic priest and bishop. He holds a dual-doctorate in theological anthropology and Buddhist philosophy, a masters in clinical pastoral counseling and lives in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.