We often read that those around us mirror the "stuff" we need to work through in our lives. People, experiences, even emotions become our teachers. And I certainly believe this is a useful approach toward effectively dealing with what comes our way.
This week, I experienced some painful emotions, which arose when I had to deal with some extremely disappointing behaviour from two of my teenaged family members. Making the matter more difficult to deal with was the fact that their mother -- whose favourite role in life is victim and martyr -- felt compelled to excommunicate me from her family as a result of my telling these two girls that they needed to learn a little more compassion, understanding and respect, and try to be happy and supportive of others.
In our daily experience, we might learn patience from a wide array of events, circumstances, relationships and challenges. Yet tolerance and compassion are always best taught by those who appear to be our adversaries. His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama tells us, "Your enemy is really your teacher. If you have respect for your enemy, instead of anger, your compassion will develop."
Genuine compassion actually makes tolerance unnecessary, because we no longer need to "tolerate" anyone, when we realise that they are just like us -- human beings, seeking happiness and healing. Human nature is essentially loving and gentle.
Teenagers will be teenagers. And when someone is stuck in an angry, bitter, victim and martyr role, it is almost always out of past unresolved hurt and deep psychological issues. How can one not be compassionate toward someone who is so emotionally imbalanced as to feel compelled to lash out, and with the dramatic flair of Sir Laurence Olivier, play the world's greatest living martyr (which is also always a bit amusing, since one truly does have to die to be a martyr... and most of those stuck in martyrdom-mode are very, very much alive!)?
So when those emotional "hurts" arise, embrace them without judgment. Realise that whatever is coming up before you is a learning experience. And the sooner you learn from it, the quicker such unsavoury experiences will cease to present themselves in your life. The only way to avoid the suffering that such experiences could cause is to move through the pain, realising that, like everything else, it will pass.
Sure, my sister has more issues than the New York Times, but she's still my sister, and she's someone who continues (mostly by her own doing) to suffer. And I would like nothing more than to help her let go of that need to suffer. And my nieces? They're thirteen and sixteen... and luckily for us all... neither of those dreadful ages last more than 12 months either! We've all been there.
It would be unfortunate if, when my time comes to finally leave the planet, my sister and her children had to deal with their hurtful decision to cut a family member out of their lives... because that will only mean that their level of dysfunctionality and brokenness will deepen. But in the end, love will and always does prevail.
PEACE!
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Author of "The Dharma of Compassion - One Monk's Reflections on the Teachings of the Enlightened & Anointed Ones" -- a book that looks at the parallel teachings of the Buddha and the Christ, Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda is a Franciscan priest and Buddhist contemplative monk, who has shared these timeless teachings throughout the world, for more than 25 years.
Lama Gurudas shares the ways in which anyone can begin to recognise and understand the nature of suffering, unhappiness and restlessness in their lives, and employ a series of simple, uncomplicated meditation strategies, mindfulness exercises and personal decisions to improve the quality of their own lives, while doing their part to reduce the experience of suffering in the lives of others.
Focused on the interdependence of all beings, and the Common Ground of Compassion, his workshops bring the teachings of Buddha, Gandhi, Christ and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. into focus, and empower others to experience dramatic transformation in their lives. Lama Gurudas is the Spiritual Director of the Contemplative Order of Compassion -- a grassroots community of contemporary, Western Buddhists, vowed to living a non-religious, non-theistic, post-modern expression of the ancient Dharma, and
committed to bringing better health, healing and freedom from hunger, intolerance, violence and suffering to all sentient beings.
He resides at the Lojong Ladrang in historic Lancaster, Pennsylvania, with his life-partner and companion, Craig, and their imaginary dog, an imaginary scarlet macaw, and two imaginary pandas.
"My religion," he explains, inspired by the example of his spiritual father, His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama, "is compassion... my god is love... my path is service."
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Copyright © 2008 The Office of Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda/Lojong Monastery. (Lojong Media Publications) All rights reserved.
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