Forgiveness

There can be no doubt that nothing hurts as much as when someone violates the trust I placed in them. For me, trust is the basic currency of relationships, while compassion and love are the foundation. Once violated, trust throws the entire exchange off-balance, and forces us to confront those things which need our attention.

Being in conflict with another person strains our relationships with everyone. In A Course in Miracles, we taught that the absence of peace knows no bounds, and I have found this to be particularly well demonstrated in instances of broken trust, anger and emotional hurt.

I've recently had to confront some very serious issues in which my trust has been violated, and someone close continued to make decisions that were deeply disappointing and caused considerable hardships and pain for a number of people closest to them. And while I initially experienced anger over having just spoken with them about this precise matter a few days earlier, I found the hours that followed to be a cycle of anger, frustration, hurt and imbalance.

I knew that I forgiveness would be a process, and would not pretend that the negative consequences of this particular person's actions were just going to magically go away. In fact, I am very clear that this person needs to fix what they did, even if it means their being inconvenienced, or having to sacrifice their own leisure-time plans until they can do so.

But I am also clear that remaining in that cycle of anger, hurt and frustration will do nothing to resolve the conflict. I have allowed myself to feel the wound and have avoided the easier path of denying that it hurt me. I have spent time realising that damage was indeed done to the relationship, and the loss of trust has had a profound impact. And those things are in fact, the first steps toward healing.

You see, when we deny the pain, our focus internally is on the pain. We don't want others, especially the person or persons involved, to know we were vulnerable. And so that interior focus creates an adamant need for retribution... we want to restore the balance to the relationship, and the ego imagines that hurting someone back will do that. But it never does.

Forgiveness means being in favour of (for-) the process of giving. Giving compassion. Giving understanding. Giving room for the other person to make right the things they said or did.

Each of us has the capacity for bringing the sacred into every situation. The pain and woundedness of any circumstance is soothed the moment we generate true compassion for the "other" person, and recognise that every experience is an external reflection of something within us that needed to be healed already.

The person who "hurt" us is also hurting. There is no time or need for regrets over times when we violated someone's trust in us, or when someone else violates our trust. When we forgive ourselves, we naturally forgive all others. When we learn that the sole purpose of this physical experience and body, created by the ego-mind, is so that we can learn those lessons needed for our spiritual progress, then we can let go of the need to label things as "good" or "bad".

That doesn't mean ignoring the emotions that arise, because those emotions are also our teachers. But it means allowing ourselves to move through the pain... through the crisis... and to do what we must, in order to ensure that we do not find ourselves in that situation again. Sometimes what we have to do is difficult. Sometimes it means coming to grips with the reality that someone else might not care about the damage they've done to us, because they are incapable of anything more than self-absorbed, immature and self-destructive behaviours. But other times, it may be an opportunity for the other person to reach out to us and lean on us to help them get those self-destructive, immature and self-absorbed behaviours under control, so that they can leave them in the past.

If we are stuck in the mode of anger and retribution, we will always miss the opportunity to be there for others.

And when we are angry at one person, it impacts every relationship we have on the planet. You cannot be angry or out-of-accord with one person, and not have disturbed the balance of your relationships with others. This is because your very nature is love, not discord, and when you are not acting out of love, then you are not in accord with your true nature. Therefore, you have handed-over the control to the ego, and are not functioning naturally.

Choose forgiveness. Choose peace. Choose love.

Namasté!

 

Copyright ©2009, Dharmacharya Gurudas Sunyatananda (Dr. F. Gianmichael Salvato). All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced, blogged, quoted or distributed, provided the entire blog, including by-lines, contact information and this copyright remain intact. It may NOT be altered in any way, without express written permission.