I chose not to post this reflection on Valentine’s Day, because I believed that those who would most need to read its message, might not be as receptive to such things, when they were hurting deeply. And I don’t intend to waste time pointing out that Valentine’s Day is a commericalised innovation of our society, which we need not buy into; because that is obvious and has all been said before.
The simple fact is that there are people, who despite knowing all that, experienced pain and suffering, because they were left alone on Valentine’s Day, or Christmas, or some anniversary or such. And there are those, who because of their own baggage… their woundedness, their addictions, their insecurities or issues… unintentionally hurt those whom they love, by not being with them.
One of the reasons I consider myself fortunate to be part of a Buddhist contemplative order, whose structure and rules are non-traditional and unconventional, is because it has permitted me to avoid being sheltered from the pain that many of those I teach experience. I have been rejected by those I love. I have felt the loneliness of being alone on days like Valentine’s Day, or anniversaries. One Christmas Eve, my partner left the house to “pick up a gallon of milk”, and ended up on a 48-hour drinking and drugging binge, screwing a chain of equally dazed strangers in some bathhouse… on the night I was giving him a car as his gift. So I understand feeling unappreciated. I understand broken heartedness. And I understand suffering.
I don’t mean to diminish the pain any of you might have experienced recently, and I do hope that my reflections will always contain the seeds of relief for those who suffer for any reason. But today, I would like to challenge you to consider a shift in perspective.
Yes, it hurts when we are unfairly treated… but we have to accept responsibility for that pain as well. If you experience a so-called “broken heart”, it is because your love for another person was not yet unconditional. You placed expectations (attachments) on that relationship, and were mistaking the emotional attachment for love. That is not to say that you don’t possess genuine love for that person; for I believe that it is our nature to love others. I simply mean that the “feelings” that were hurt were not feelings of love; they were emotions of possessiveness. And we have to own up to that, or we will never end that cycle of suffering.
Now, once we’ve owned=up to our responsibility, we have the power to affect transformative change in others. And that power is to find that place that does genuinely love the other person, and realise that same place within them genuinely loves us (and all other beings). It may be buried beneath the baggage of past experiences, fears, hurts, doubts, addictions, abuse or any of a million other ego-constructs… but it’s there.
When someone does something that hurts me, I still feel the pain of their actions. And I acknowledge that pain. Often, if at all possible, I will let that person know that I am hurting. But I will never make it their responsibility to “fix it”. I move toward and through the pain. I reflect on it. I look for clues about what thoughts, opinions, expectations and attachments I have, which caused the pain to arise. And then I turn my efforts, my energy and my attention toward resolving those things.
I also turn my awareness to the simple and undeniable fact that the other person is usually hurting much more deeply than I am. Seldom do people intentionally do things to hurt us. Love is always the ultimate means of transforming someone’s anger, their fear, their emotional imbalances. And the kind of love that is genuine and unconditional only arises out of the generation of compassion.
If we are to begin to create a happier, more peaceful and balanced life for ourselves, we must genuinely care about and dedicate ourselves to doing the same for all other beings. We have to be willing to recognise that all relationships are impermanent, and that sometimes, that means those we love and enjoy having around us, will choose to move on, or will die, or will be forced to move on. And we have to allow our desire for them to be happy to be greater than our attachment to them as a false source of our own happiness. Or we will suffer. Guaranteed.
All of this takes time. It takes patience. And it takes a willingness to sit uncomfortably in our pain… to cry if we have to… to observe some unhealthy thoughts that might arise… and then, gently, without judgment, to let them go.
Sometimes, the best way to communicate our pain is to let the other person know they have hurt us, and then to stop talking about it. His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama admonishes his students to use words only as much as they are necessary. He tells that endless talk is like weeds in a garden. Is it not better to have a few weeds, than to allow them to overtake the entire garden?
St. Francis of Assisi recognised that Jesus was a Teacher who used few words. He challenged his disciples, “Peace, be still.” And, “Come, follow me.” Now that’s brief and to the point. St. Francis himself instructed his followers to “Preach the gospel always, when necessary, use words.”
It’s all about letting go, taking ownership, and choosing love.
May you always choose wisely.
Namasté!
- dharmacharya gurudas śunyatananda
http://dharmadudeunplugged.com
Copyright ©2008, Dharmacharya Gurudas Śunyatananda (Dr. F. Gianmichael Salvato). All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced, blogged, quoted or distributed, provided the entire blog, including by-lines, contact information and this copyright remain intact. It may NOT be altered in any way, without express written permission.
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