As students of the Dharma, we often talk about releasing our attachments, as a means toward ending suffering. It's important, however, to recognise that true renunciation -- letting go of all attachments -- does not require one to live in a monastery, abandon one's job, home, relationships or responsibilities. In fact, for many, such an approach would only increase the difficulty one might face in becoming free of suffering.
In her book, How to Meditate
"Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less."
Earlier this afternoon, a Dharma student asked me to help them identify their greatest attachments. My response was to ask that student a couple questions, which were posed to me, when I sat at the feet of my primary spiritual teacher, in 1996. I share them with you, with the hopes that they will be useful in your own journey from suffering to happiness.
Ask yourself, what is it that you cannot imagine living without in your life right now. It might be a person, a job, your house, your status in the community, or a particular item. It might be something conceptual, such as your health or freedom. Whatever it is, this is one of the great attachments in your life.
Now, let's say that you said that you couldn't imagine living without your spouse or your health. Putting aside the simple fact that any widow(er) or person living with a terminal dis-ease can tell you that it is possible to live, and to do so fully, without either of those things, let's just focus on what it actually means for you.
Identifying the relationship with your spouse as a source of attachment doesn't mean that you would forego that relationship. It means something quite the opposite, in fact.
First, we have to remember that what attachment really means is that we are attempting to find our perfect joy (the object and design of our existence) from an external phenomenon. Since we know that all phenomena are impermanent (i.e., have a beginning and an end), then we know it is pointless to seek perfect joy from them, since perfect joy would have to be endless.
Once you understand that, then you can look at the relationship with your spouse, and realise that your attachment is causing unrealistic expectations -- a price that leads to suffering (probably as much for your spouse as it does for you!). You can then let go of that unrealistic expectation, and simply learn to be present to the relationship, without expectations. Greater awareness of the other person's needs will give rise to increased compassion, which in turn will actually increase the happiness you both experience.
The key is to gently allow your awareness to uncover those areas in which cravings, attachments, and fears are placed. Do so without judgment. Don't allow your mind to label an attachment as "bad". It's simply an attachment. And it can be changed. As the old adage goes, "Change your thinking, change your life!"
Namasté!
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Author of "The Dharma of Compassion - One Monk's Reflections
on the Teachings of the Enlightened & Anointed Ones" -- a book
that looks at the parallel teachings of the Buddha and the Christ,
Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda is a Franciscan priest and Buddhist
contemplative monk, who has shared these timeless teachings
throughout the world, for more than 25 years.
Lama Gurudas shares the ways in which anyone can begin to
recognise and understand the nature of suffering, unhappiness
and restlessness in their lives, and employ a series of simple,
uncomplicated meditation strategies, mindfulness exercises and
personal decisions to improve the quality of their own lives, while
doing their part to reduce the experience of suffering in the
lives of others.
Focused on the interdependence of all beings, and the Common
Ground of Compassion, his workshops bring the teachings of
Buddha, Gandhi, Christ and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. into focus,
and empower others to experience dramatic transformation in
their lives. Lama Gurudas is the Spiritual Director of the
Contemplative Order of Compassion -- a grassroots community of
contemporary, Western Buddhists, vowed to living a non-religious,
non-theistic, post-modern expression of the ancient Dharma, and
committed to bringing better health, healing and freedom from hunger,
intolerance, violence and suffering to all sentient beings.
He resides at the Lojong Ladrang in historic Lancaster, Pennsylvania,
with his life-partner and companion, Craig, and their imaginary dog,
an imaginary scarlet macaw, and two imaginary pandas.
"My religion," he explains, inspired by the example of his spiritual father,
His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama, "is compassion...
my god is love... my path is service."
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Copyright © 2008 The Office of Lama Gurudas Sunyatananda/Lojong Monastery. (Lojong Media Publications) All rights reserved.
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